Here are some key takeaways from Week 4 of the NFL season:
- Looks like the Broncos have been spared from a trip to the glue factory after earning their first win of the season...against the Jets. That hasn't stopped Denver fans from downloading countdown apps to their phones as they would rather wait for the next NFL Draft than sit through 12 more weeks of football.
- Churches saw record attendance on Sunday morning as millions of NFL fans fervently prayed that coronavirus wouldn't take away football season. On a similar note, New York Jets fans were also seen at church praying that Trevor Lawrence doesn't decide to spend another year at Clemson.
- The fight between Jalen Ramsey & Golden Tate should've been a pay-per-view broadcast. We all know Vince McMahon is currently on the phone with their agents.
- All future Cowboys games will now be broadcasted on Comedy Central after the Cowboys defense gave up 49 points to the Cleaveland Browns. SERIOUSLY? THE BROWNS??? And Dak Prescott wants $40 million a year so he can lose to quarterbacks like Baker Mayfield??? *blows raspberries*
- And so...Washington fans have once again learned that the better football organization is located just a mere 32 miles away from FedEx Field. Daddy Snyder needs his team to go at least 5-11 this year so that he doesn't lose his "Employee of the Century" parking spot to Phil from accounting.
- Tom Brady throwing another Pick 6 yet still on track for another appearance at the Super Bowl? *yawn* How predictable.
- As Philadelphians stumble out of the bars at 2am, they are left dazed & confused about their newfound victory. Did Carson Wentz, the quarterback who currently leads the league in interceptions, really just beat the defending NFC champions in San Francisco? They find some discarded bread in an alleyway trash can hoping to sober up, wondering if it was all just a fever dream or if it really is true. Reality begins to settle in as they saunter their way down Broad Street, that the Eagles really are perched at the top of the NFC East. Unable to process this news, they swipe a half-empty PBR off the sidewalk hoping to escape the confusion of the sober timeline they now occupy. Then, like a gelatinous ooze they slither back into the sewers of brotherly love where the Philly Phanatic sleeps and it is there that they are safe from any glimmer of hope that might threaten to rouse their spirits. They've gone through this emotional gaslighting before and like a fake autumn they refuse to be fooled again. So it is in the depths of these sewers that the Eagles fans shall hibernate, slurping on the tears of the fans in the streets above who were too foolish to lose hope. They shall cling tenderly to their one Super Bowl win like a middle-aged Bears fan and wait until the next draft day where their hopes are better invested only to repeat the cycle of abuse once more when the front office makes questionable picks. This is the life they know...and this is the life they shall continue to know...the life of a Philadelphia sports fan.
- Nick Foles coming off the bench to win the starting job only to choke the very next week is exactly what everyone expects from the Chicago Bears.
- Congratulations to the Atlanta Falcons for finally not blowing a lead! Good job! You did it!
- Bill Belichick was smart for seeking out that Subway commercial because he sure isn't going to make any more money with Brian Hoyer & Jarrett Stidham at quarterback. Woof!
This week's MVP: Stephen A. Smith trying not to choke on his milk & cookies while laughing at the Cowboys.