September 29, 2020Baltimore Ravens

Uncle Joe's Football Takeaways: Week Three | Presented by: Better Display Cases

Disclaimer: The views expressed on Uncle Joe's Football Takeaways are the individual views of Uncle Joe and may not reflect the views of Better Display Cases or its other employees. Now that we have that out of the way, I can finally roast my boss' team.

 

Here are Uncle Joe's Takeaways for Week Three of the NFL Season:
  • Dolphins fans better not get too comfortable with Fitzmagic, pretty much everybody in NFL knows exactly how that story's going to end.
    Spoiler Alert: Fitz-tragically.
  • Watching Dak Prescott get sacked by a rookie playing his first-ever NFL game quickly followed by him throwing a game-ending interception in the final seconds of the game is one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed this whole season. 
  • The Mayor of Atlanta has declared a citywide day of mourning with all flags to be lowered at half-staff for yet another blown lead by the Falcons.
  • It's nice to see that the Bills no longer have to fight over the AFC East basement. Will they finally get their 5th Super Bowl loss? Tune in to find out!
  • Eagles fans are currently drowning in tears watching the only quarterback that ever won them a Super Bowl lead the Bears to a stunning comeback victory. Meanwhile, Carson Wentz has 0 wins, 6 interceptions, a 58% completion rate, the worst passing game in the league, and has been sacked a whopping 11 times in just 3 games. Cry Eagles, Cry!
  • Somehow the football team with no name sits atop the NFC East despite having a 1-2 losing record. Way to go, Washington! You made Daddy Snyder proud today! Next year, tickets into FedEx Field will double to $8! Baby steps!
  • Steelers fans are already celebrating like they won the Super Bowl for starting the season 3-0 for the first time in a decade. Also, if a TV executive happens to be reading this, please consider a Watt family sitcom...please.
  • Gronk...buddy...you're trying too hard to make a comeback. You've already earned your place in the Hall Of Fame. You don't have to do this anymore. Please...I'm sure the good people at Fox Sports will welcome you back in the booth. It's not too late!
  • Good grief! That Saints-Packers game had more back-and-forth than an episode of The View! Alvin Kamara must be dealing with severe back pain right now after trying to carry the Saints' entire O-line.
  • Cam Newton can't decide whether he wants to be a Hall Of Fame quarterback or continue to cosplay as an anime villain for every press conference.
  • Lamar Jackson choking in primetime? Against the Chiefs? Say it ain't so! Mitch Trubisky only played HALF of an NFL game and still managed to muster better NFL stats than Lamar! Now the Ravens are having an all-out brawl against the Browns for 2nd place in the AFC North while poor Joe Burrow cowers in the basement waiting for the season to be over.
This week's MVP is a tie: Connie Watt for her custom jersey-making skills; and Samuel L Jackson on Monday Night Football
Written by Joe Trask